I am Shameless: The Nomad Sequence
Hi,
Apologies for my absence. I have been loitering in the shadows somewhat, but real life has been busy and I haven't really had the time to commit to this place. Again, apologies.
This is a thread of shameless self promotion for my new project: The Nomad Sequence. This isthe story of a fantastical city, wrought of iron and brass, that rolls alone through the world on the back of giant caterpillar treads.
Every fortnight I'm going to be updating the story and adding a new chapter. I'm hoping to get a steady stream of comments as the story goes on, and will be taking them on board as I keep writing. So,you'll be able to have a heavy influence on the story. What characters do you, what characters do you hate... etc. This is an ongoing process and the more feedback I get, the better the story can become.
This started off as my NaNoWriMo project, which has fallen a tad behind schedule (I'm sitting on about 12000 words right now), but I'm really excited to try and do something interesting with this.
Please, check it out. Comment, support, and go forth in search of dead dragon carcasses. I've already managed to fit one into the story. There's also a huge nod to Cloud Castle 2 at one point. Yeah. Awesome.
LINK LINK LINKt
Thanks guys. I love you.
EDIT: Sorry, CC3 is dust.
Apologies for my absence. I have been loitering in the shadows somewhat, but real life has been busy and I haven't really had the time to commit to this place. Again, apologies.
This is a thread of shameless self promotion for my new project: The Nomad Sequence. This isthe story of a fantastical city, wrought of iron and brass, that rolls alone through the world on the back of giant caterpillar treads.
Every fortnight I'm going to be updating the story and adding a new chapter. I'm hoping to get a steady stream of comments as the story goes on, and will be taking them on board as I keep writing. So,you'll be able to have a heavy influence on the story. What characters do you, what characters do you hate... etc. This is an ongoing process and the more feedback I get, the better the story can become.
This started off as my NaNoWriMo project, which has fallen a tad behind schedule (I'm sitting on about 12000 words right now), but I'm really excited to try and do something interesting with this.
Please, check it out. Comment, support, and go forth in search of dead dragon carcasses. I've already managed to fit one into the story. There's also a huge nod to Cloud Castle 2 at one point. Yeah. Awesome.
LINK LINK LINKt
Thanks guys. I love you.
EDIT: Sorry, CC3 is dust.
I'll have to check it out later.
Interested to see where this goes 
"CC3 is dust"
Even if you worked on it really slowly and released it in 10 years time that would be better than cancelling it completely.
That said it has been cancelled before so dunno if I should really worry
"CC3 is dust"
Even if you worked on it really slowly and released it in 10 years time that would be better than cancelling it completely.
That said it has been cancelled before so dunno if I should really worry
I've put it in my feed reader!
Sorry, CC3 is dust.
I'm skeptical. But this gives me more time to play the others.
Edit: I read the first part. A great start! Very descriptive and dramatic.
Sorry, CC3 is dust.
I'm skeptical.
But this gives me more time to play the others.Edit: I read the first part. A great start! Very descriptive and dramatic.
French Fries are good and Ducks are evil!
I really liked the descriptiveness of it and I liked the clunkiness of the introductory bit (maybe a little disjointed...)Yes very dramatic, it groans and like a woman in labour, gasping and resting in turns.
Personally I would be a little careful of using words people don't always know the meanings of, just because it slows the flow of your story if they want to stop and look their meanings up - I have always found it better to use words most people will know well. You reach a bigger audience. (ps I LOVE words) We all know a "dirigible" is a cigar shaped gass bag - just like me ... oh wait HEY!!
I too am waiting to see what you make of this
Dont you get another cat and stop writing it ok
Personally I would be a little careful of using words people don't always know the meanings of, just because it slows the flow of your story if they want to stop and look their meanings up - I have always found it better to use words most people will know well. You reach a bigger audience. (ps I LOVE words) We all know a "dirigible" is a cigar shaped gass bag - just like me ... oh wait HEY!!
I too am waiting to see what you make of this
Dont you get another cat and stop writing it ok Cheers, MsDink & Dinkulum, it's something I'll bear in mind! I'll be updating it again this weekend. 2 weeks is too long between each part, I feel.
Comments on the blog would be loved.
I hope I don't get any more cats, eep.
Comments on the blog would be loved.
I hope I don't get any more cats, eep.
Youve outdone yourself with this one sabre, the wording, the style, the plot...
It made me weep
It made me weep
Too kind, too kind.
Anyway, I felt the prologue was a touch short to leave on it's own for another week, so I've updated with Chapter 1. Chapter 2 will come on December 1st.
Please, please, please take a read and leave a comment. Share with your friends, your pets, your enemies, your everything's.
Much love. x
http://nomadsequence.wordpress.com/2012/11/20/chapter-1-pocketwatch/
Anyway, I felt the prologue was a touch short to leave on it's own for another week, so I've updated with Chapter 1. Chapter 2 will come on December 1st.
Please, please, please take a read and leave a comment. Share with your friends, your pets, your enemies, your everything's.
Much love. x
http://nomadsequence.wordpress.com/2012/11/20/chapter-1-pocketwatch/
My pet rat died like 2 years ago so do I show it to her grave. Also keep your children away Kris is a hungry Wolf.
Dack, why do you suddenly have so much animosity toward me? Why do you feel the need to constantly liken me to a very insulting stereotype?
Wolfs eat people and in that private chat on FB you said you act like a wolf sometimes.If I annoy you enough then you leave and I live
Realistically, wolves do not eat people. Wolf packs don't even come near people unless they're really desperate. I'm talking about days of no food whatsoever, no carrion to pick at.
I may behave, at times, in ways that are similar to a wolf, but I know I am human regardless of how I feel.
That also means that, despite whatever preconcieved notions you have, I am not a cannibal.
I may behave, at times, in ways that are similar to a wolf, but I know I am human regardless of how I feel.
That also means that, despite whatever preconcieved notions you have, I am not a cannibal.
The meat you eat can be human,dog,wolf,dog,Whinny's lost balls,dog,or something else like Whinny's Dog's balls that he had cut off.
The meat I eat tends to be free-range beef, pork, cage-free chicken/eggs, and organic fruits and vegetable.
do this in your own thread guys - try to make it a pm
Haven't read the latest instalment yet Sabre - getting there ...
Haven't read the latest instalment yet Sabre - getting there ...
try to make it a pm
But if it's a public thread, then the rest of us can heckle them.
And I will read the next installment soon too.
But if it's a public thread, then the rest of us can heckle them.
And I will read the next installment soon too.
"And I will read the next installment soon too."
Of the thread or the story?
Of the thread or the story?
Very atmospheric. I especially liked the second story; I was wondering if it was going anywhere or just describing life in the city, but the twist/revelation made it all the more worthwhile.
To criticize, there's something that slightly bothers me about the way you describe things, especially in the first story. I can't precisely put my finger on it, but it's probably the amount of description/the way you do it, e.g: "Masked figures climbed tall stepladders, pouring noxious chemicals into wide brass vats, stirring the moiling ichor with great iron paddles," -- it's always <descriptor> <thing>, and a little much so many times in a row. Instead it could be something like "Masked figures climbed stepladders arching high into the dim ceiling, pouring noxious chemicals into brass vats so massive that three fire boncas could have used them as a luxurious yacuzzi, stirring the moiling ichor with great iron paddles," or something. Sometimes, I think plain less description could work better too, e.g. "thick tanned leather harnesses" is a terrible mouthful.
To criticize, there's something that slightly bothers me about the way you describe things, especially in the first story. I can't precisely put my finger on it, but it's probably the amount of description/the way you do it, e.g: "Masked figures climbed tall stepladders, pouring noxious chemicals into wide brass vats, stirring the moiling ichor with great iron paddles," -- it's always <descriptor> <thing>, and a little much so many times in a row. Instead it could be something like "Masked figures climbed stepladders arching high into the dim ceiling, pouring noxious chemicals into brass vats so massive that three fire boncas could have used them as a luxurious yacuzzi, stirring the moiling ichor with great iron paddles," or something.
Sometimes, I think plain less description could work better too, e.g. "thick tanned leather harnesses" is a terrible mouthful.I still wactching Kris the full moon is coming sooner or later and I don't need to wake up in a stomach.
Scratcher hits the mark... It's also how I write :/ And I KNOW it's not really pleasant to read, but it's pleasant to write... Weird.
But it doesn't really detract that much from the story, which is the highlight anyway
But it doesn't really detract that much from the story, which is the highlight anyway
[Disclaimer lol] Fec forgive me - what started as a few random comments has ended up a wall of text - take from it what you will and disregard the rest
Showing atmosphere, what your character is like, surroundings etc is always better told through your characters actions IMHO than stating exactly what you want to convey. I think you are trying to tell too much and not trusting the reader to use their imagination. Use your descriptive phrases but use them to move the story forward, rather than making us stop to digest these delights. Theyre good but disrupt the flow a bit.
Some early examples of what I mean
1. Annah winced as the cold air bit at her skin
2. Peering out the window, she saw the tram had left behind the brasswork district and would soon be arriving at her stop.
3. She departed at Scarlet Street, stepping out of the carriage and onto the icy cobbles once more.
You are stating
its cold
shes peering out the window
she will soon would be there ,
she disembarked and theres ice on the cobble stones so its not just cold - its really cold.
I am not sure why we need to know it left the brasswork district unless it has relevance later on in the story. I would remove information we don’t need if this is a short story and embellish to add it better if it’s a longer story and we are creating a picture of where she is.
Those are relatively short snappy sentences and are ok if used sparingly to make a point or make the reader sit up and think Oohhh... but to keep your story flowing and add in details you want them to notice, think about adding it to what your characters sees and does, their actions and speech.
Some examples of what I mean:
Pressed against the small/round/ small/dirty/gleaming/misty/ice caked whatever window Annah peered out the she watched as the labyrinth of small shops and cluttered markets that was Scarlet Street, come slowly into view. (If you want you can have it shudder to a stop or throw her forward etc shows what the tram shes riding on is like, old/new/supersonic) She rose, nodded her thanks to the driver, then drew in her breath and forced herself to cling to the grimy handrail as she stepped gingerly from the tram. At the last step she placed her tiny feet carefully down onto the cobbled stones making sure the ground was firm beneath her before carefully releasing her grip. Distastefully swiping her hand on her worn coat she looked up and exhaled, she had made it! Noticing her breath had turned into a soft mist that swirled around her pink face she bent her head, tugged her coat closer and strode purposefully… blah blah
Now this tells you
size (tram window) so maybe its cramped or whatever (shows atmosphere)
shes at her destination and it’s a labyrinth of shops and stuff and cluttered makes me think of stuff everywhere.
Shes polite (nodding to the driver)
doesn’t like pain or has no time to get hurt so she doesnt wanna slip but shes resolute in her determination to get off there (holding the gross rail against her better judgement)
her feet are tiny so gives an impression of a slight girl
her coat is old so maybe she cant afford a new one (tells of her status)
you could have her pluck at the threads (trying to hide the worn bit this shows shes embarrassed about her situation)
Its still cold because her breath is misting the air when she exhales
she strode off with a purpose (so now I have to read on to find out what shes there for .. I wanna know I do I do heh
While this may be way too much description for what you are writing, it can be shorter and snappier and still convey and give impressions rather than state and dictate how the reader sees everything. They will imagine your character, build a picture and connect with them better and if you do that, they will wanna know what happens to this character and so will read on.
Another short one
She saw that his trade-sign – a giant copper....
She frowned at the sign, (shows she cares as well as theres something wrong and so on)
groaning she noticed (oh dear its happened before and shes sick of it)
Maybe she picks it up and stacks it against the wall just looking and shaking her head without something more doesn’t show her character unless you want her to be seen as unfeeling
Seeing who it was, Laurence ……
Squinting up at her Laurences’s eyes danced with delight as he recognised his daughter… and so on – shows of their relationship, maybe his eyes narrow (hes wondering what she wants from him ) etc etc
The extent you do the above to depends entirely on your story and its length and you may totally disagree hehe in the end its your story ps I am enjoying reading these ! Some of your words are sheer delight to read eg: Was starting to think my bones would be coated in frost before I saw a Summer again coated in frost thats awesome! You are bringing up things we have no idea about too - but i find it confusing not useful - maybe explain a bit of back story in a couple of sentences shes just remembering about clocks then his livestock is dying? Its a little disjointed still, you know the story but we dont...
Showing atmosphere, what your character is like, surroundings etc is always better told through your characters actions IMHO than stating exactly what you want to convey. I think you are trying to tell too much and not trusting the reader to use their imagination. Use your descriptive phrases but use them to move the story forward, rather than making us stop to digest these delights. Theyre good but disrupt the flow a bit.
Some early examples of what I mean
1. Annah winced as the cold air bit at her skin
2. Peering out the window, she saw the tram had left behind the brasswork district and would soon be arriving at her stop.
3. She departed at Scarlet Street, stepping out of the carriage and onto the icy cobbles once more.
You are stating
its cold
shes peering out the window
she will soon would be there ,
she disembarked and theres ice on the cobble stones so its not just cold - its really cold.
I am not sure why we need to know it left the brasswork district unless it has relevance later on in the story. I would remove information we don’t need if this is a short story and embellish to add it better if it’s a longer story and we are creating a picture of where she is.
Those are relatively short snappy sentences and are ok if used sparingly to make a point or make the reader sit up and think Oohhh... but to keep your story flowing and add in details you want them to notice, think about adding it to what your characters sees and does, their actions and speech.
Some examples of what I mean:
Pressed against the small/round/ small/dirty/gleaming/misty/ice caked whatever window Annah peered out the she watched as the labyrinth of small shops and cluttered markets that was Scarlet Street, come slowly into view. (If you want you can have it shudder to a stop or throw her forward etc shows what the tram shes riding on is like, old/new/supersonic) She rose, nodded her thanks to the driver, then drew in her breath and forced herself to cling to the grimy handrail as she stepped gingerly from the tram. At the last step she placed her tiny feet carefully down onto the cobbled stones making sure the ground was firm beneath her before carefully releasing her grip. Distastefully swiping her hand on her worn coat she looked up and exhaled, she had made it! Noticing her breath had turned into a soft mist that swirled around her pink face she bent her head, tugged her coat closer and strode purposefully… blah blah
Now this tells you
size (tram window) so maybe its cramped or whatever (shows atmosphere)
shes at her destination and it’s a labyrinth of shops and stuff and cluttered makes me think of stuff everywhere.
Shes polite (nodding to the driver)
doesn’t like pain or has no time to get hurt so she doesnt wanna slip but shes resolute in her determination to get off there (holding the gross rail against her better judgement)
her feet are tiny so gives an impression of a slight girl
her coat is old so maybe she cant afford a new one (tells of her status)
you could have her pluck at the threads (trying to hide the worn bit this shows shes embarrassed about her situation)
Its still cold because her breath is misting the air when she exhales
she strode off with a purpose (so now I have to read on to find out what shes there for .. I wanna know I do I do heh
While this may be way too much description for what you are writing, it can be shorter and snappier and still convey and give impressions rather than state and dictate how the reader sees everything. They will imagine your character, build a picture and connect with them better and if you do that, they will wanna know what happens to this character and so will read on.
Another short one
She saw that his trade-sign – a giant copper....
She frowned at the sign, (shows she cares as well as theres something wrong and so on)
groaning she noticed (oh dear its happened before and shes sick of it)
Maybe she picks it up and stacks it against the wall just looking and shaking her head without something more doesn’t show her character unless you want her to be seen as unfeeling
Seeing who it was, Laurence ……
Squinting up at her Laurences’s eyes danced with delight as he recognised his daughter… and so on – shows of their relationship, maybe his eyes narrow (hes wondering what she wants from him ) etc etc
The extent you do the above to depends entirely on your story and its length and you may totally disagree hehe in the end its your story ps
I am enjoying reading these ! Some of your words are sheer delight to read eg: Was starting to think my bones would be coated in frost before I saw a Summer again coated in frost thats awesome! You are bringing up things we have no idea about too - but i find it confusing not useful - maybe explain a bit of back story in a couple of sentences shes just remembering about clocks then his livestock is dying? Its a little disjointed still, you know the story but we dont... You are bringing up things we have no idea about too - but i find it confusing not useful - maybe explain a bit of back story in a couple of sentences shes just remembering about clocks then his livestock is dying? Its a little disjointed still, you know the story but we dont...
I think Sabre will really appreciate all your input MsDink The quote above is the only thing I disagree with, but I realize it's just a writing/reading style. I like it when an author injects mysterius/unknown stuff early on in the story, even if it isn't mentioned again until much later on. In my opinion it makes the world less of a construct and more of a natural thing you as the reader are finding your way into. It's like if you'd go to some exotic location and you know very little of the people and their culture. Do you really need to ask them about everything going on around you to take in the experience? Of course, this is a short story, so time is limited and the scope should fit the length of the story to prevent pacing issues
If you've ever read any of Brandon Sanderson's books, he's a master at this
Edit: I just noticed Sabre's own edit
I think Sabre will really appreciate all your input MsDink
The quote above is the only thing I disagree with, but I realize it's just a writing/reading style. I like it when an author injects mysterius/unknown stuff early on in the story, even if it isn't mentioned again until much later on. In my opinion it makes the world less of a construct and more of a natural thing you as the reader are finding your way into. It's like if you'd go to some exotic location and you know very little of the people and their culture. Do you really need to ask them about everything going on around you to take in the experience? Of course, this is a short story, so time is limited and the scope should fit the length of the story to prevent pacing issues If you've ever read any of Brandon Sanderson's books, he's a master at this
Edit: I just noticed Sabre's own edit
Also subscribed...
It's pretty good. I'm not very good with story writing so I'm not gonna be suggesting anything. Mind if I link this on another forum? I have a few friends who'd love this.
It's pretty good. I'm not very good with story writing so I'm not gonna be suggesting anything. Mind if I link this on another forum? I have a few friends who'd love this.
Of the thread or the story?
The story. And I've read it now and still think it's great.
Edit: Also I like your advice, MsDink. I'll keep it in mind if I ever get around to writing any stories.
The story.
And I've read it now and still think it's great. Edit: Also I like your advice, MsDink. I'll keep it in mind if I ever get around to writing any stories.
Thanks for all of your thoughts, guys 'n' gals. They're all very much appreciated. Some I agree with, some not so much, but it's interesting to see people think isn't working.
I'll certainly bear it in mind when editing future chapters.
Duckhater: Feel free. I'd much appreciate it, actually!
I'll certainly bear it in mind when editing future chapters.
Duckhater: Feel free. I'd much appreciate it, actually!
Had another look - you have changed some things - excellent job Sabre - it flows through smoothly now and I like the atmosphere you have built - I have a picture of her and her surroundings Awesome!!
Awesome!!I... I haven't changed anything!
But thanks for the comment. I thought it was you! Glad you like it so far and thanks for the above analysis. Definitely a few big things to take away from that.
But thanks for the comment. I thought it was you! Glad you like it so far and thanks for the above analysis. Definitely a few big things to take away from that.
yuou didnt? oh dear awkward lol = and yes md is emdee seriously it was like reading a new story wow wonder where my brain is at - i couldnt follow it properly yesterday but today i could sighs my apologies sabre
seriously it was like reading a new story wow wonder where my brain is at - i couldnt follow it properly yesterday but today i could sighs my apologies sabre Heh, none needed. Also, thanks to Pillbug for commenting.
Next section is up. Nearly cut this out wholesale, but it can stay for now.
Next section is up. Nearly cut this out wholesale, but it can stay for now.
Hmmm, the blog is password protected now. Post the password, SabreTrout! Don't worry, we'll keep it a secret.
Had a crisis of confidence and took it down.
I'll put it back up tonight with a new chapter. And another new chapter tomorrow, as I haven't been updating it like I said!
Thanks for asking about it.
EDIT: Actually, maybe tomorrow and the next day. I've been shanked by jet lag.
I'll put it back up tonight with a new chapter. And another new chapter tomorrow, as I haven't been updating it like I said!
Thanks for asking about it.
EDIT: Actually, maybe tomorrow and the next day. I've been shanked by jet lag.
I am still shameless.
Ditched some things, started anew.
Can look at my new blog with my writing and bits here... http://jrtroughtondotcom.wordpress.com/
Do it and send me money please.
Thanks. Stories forever. <3
Ditched some things, started anew.
Can look at my new blog with my writing and bits here... http://jrtroughtondotcom.wordpress.com/
Do it and send me money please.
Thanks. Stories forever. <3
Ill send you money if you finish CC3 and its good.
