The Dink Network

I've been working on getting back into DMOD development, and it's going pretty well. I wrote a few scripts that will make my mod do something I don't think has ever been done before (though I could be wrong); I think people will appreciate it.

--1999 part 3: The last days of the disc--

I wanted to talk about the effects of Dink becoming freeware, but some more DMODs actually came out before that happened. Oh well; let's talk about those.

041: The Castle of Lore Author: James Perley Release Date: August 13, 1999

James Perley is primarily notable in Dink history for releasing the "374 MIDI Pack." The MIDIs are mostly of popular music and were probably taken from around the Web, but having so much music (much of it of good quality) in one place was awfully convenient for DMOD authors. These MIDIs have been used in many mods (I even used them), so it's hard to argue that the file didn't make a major impact on the community.

But hey, did you know he also made a DMOD? It's true. And that DMOD... man.

I did not finish this DMOD.

I never promised that I'd finish all of these DMODs, but I've tried as hard as I can to do so, and without cheating. In this case, even while cheating I was unable to reach the end after more than an hour and a half. It was an incredibly frustrating experience. Part of the frustration was that there are some good qualities, and at one point I was expecting to write something that, while pointing out flaws, was generally praising.

All right, let's back up. In Castle of Lore (nice title screen), Dink has to go through a portal to a strange land and attempt to find a legendary castle. He has to do this right after having had an improbably wild night, too.

You know, I always find it interesting to see the different ways various authors characterize Dink. I've played mods where he's a pure and true hero and mods where he's a selfish jerk. Here, we are dealing with Party Animal Dink. When he's not doing his hero thing (which he is, to be fair, utterly dedicated to, going so far at one point in COL as to say that he will go somewhere even if he knows he's going to die because his king has told him to), his idea of the good life is partying all the time with as many women as possible, often at once. Yes, this Dink macks on the ladies at virtually every opportunity, and surprisingly enough, they are generally rather receptive. Nobody in the world Dink occupies sees anything wrong with this behavior - even a priest tells Dink that his life clearly kicks ass.

I know that I'm writing very poorly right now, but I'm still struggling to find an angle to approach this one from. Why don't I start by writing what I was going to write before the mod went flying off the rails at high speed? Pretend along with me and experience the letdown in my shoes. The following section takes place in a parallel universe where this DMOD ends some time around the third boss battle.

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Perley's mod contains some unusual problems and oddities, but overall I appreciated what it was trying to do and quite enjoyed it. The map is very large with lots of open areas, but there are powerups to find and lots of enemies to fight, so it didn't feel empty to me. The map design is quite good, incorporating all sorts of non-boxy shapes like diagonal corners and curves; it feels natural, like the original game.

Of course I should talk about the music. Perley's got quite an ear for tunes, and this DMOD has 32 music files, mostly based on popular songs but generally quite well-sequenced. They almost always fit the situation, too. I particularly enjoyed the use of the Beatles' "Here Comes the Sun."

Castle of Lore has a rather unusual start - Dink comes to a town where absolutely no one will talk to him, calling him a stranger and telling him to go away. I like this concept; it's different and catches my interest. Unfortunately, the way you get the town to open up to you is not so clear. There's a room with six children in it, and after having spoken to four of them and gotten the exact same response every time, I decided talking to them all was pointless. Well, one of the two other kids is the trigger for getting the priest to tell the town you're okay. Go figure. I wasted over twenty minutes wandering around the map and wondering what to do before I figured this out. From now on I'm talking to EVERYBODY, I'll tell you that.

By the way, it was extremely funny to be greeted like this as the theme from Cheers started to play. "Where everybody knows your name..."

The monsters in this mod are quite hard from the start. Just about every enemy in the game is super fast, and quite a few of them also hit hard. The boncas you encounter have too high of a defense to damage apart from the engine's mercy coin flip. Furthermore, because monsters give out very small amounts of experience, getting to a level past 2 is quite difficult early on. Even if you do manage to kill one of those boncas, you get just 10 exp! I had to get to level 3 because you need 6 strength to move a rock, and I'd already spent my first point on defense.

Oh, incidentally, this mod contained the first example I've seen of a pillbug deciding that a bonca is its target. The pillbug was very fast and the bonca quite slow, so it was very funny to me to watch the pillbug whirl madly around the bonca in circles, trying to nip at its feet. Wasting your time, little bug. Wasting your time.

The major bosses in this DMOD are different-colored knights, and after you kill each one, you are able to become him, granting you access to new areas. This gets a little bit buggy with saving, but it's still a neat concept. I didn't find the bosses to be overly difficult, although the red knight took me a very long time to kill 1 damage at a time.

Oddly, despite the large map you never get a magic spell in this game.

There are some bugs, including at least one that hangs the game. Some cheats have been left in the escape menu, like saving, refilling health, and removing screenlock. The grammar and spelling aren't the best, but they're never so bad that it interferes with your understanding. Overall, I'd encourage you to give this one a shot for some humor, a few interesting concepts and a tough challenge.
--

We now return to reality, where the DMOD falls apart at an ever-increasing pace after you defeat the Red Knight. The map design becomes much worse, with tons of empty space to wander through. One quest can be skipped because you can walk right through the guy who says he'll let you pass once you've completed it. That quest takes you to a maze full to the brim with super-fast slayers who are practically impossible to avoid - I could never make it through. Even if you could make it through that part without cheating (and if you can, my hat is off to you), I can't believe anybody could get past the next boss, a fast stone giant against whom you are desperately underpowered. He did 17 damage a hit to me, and I could barely scratch him! This is where I started cheating, and even with 50 added to my stats, it took quite a few hits to bring the monster down. I reiterate: I don't think that it's reasonable to expect anybody to get past this without cheating.

Even as a cheater, the mod continued to decline. Game-stopping bugs became more and more common, not to mention all the other bugs present. The story becomes less coherent as well. It's a shame, because the later part of the game contains some rather nice tiles that are original for this DMOD. Finally, after cheating past TWO areas that seemed to be permanent dead ends, I reached another screen I could not escape because I was surrounded on all sides by an invisible wall, and I gave up.

Writing this has kind of gotten me down; I wanted to like this mod, dammit. It had some personality, but it just falls apart and becomes, as far as I can tell, completely impossible to finish without cheating. James Perley explained the state of this mod in 2003; that's an illuminating read if you're interested in this mod or the early days of D-MOD development in general. As for me, I'm spent. This is one world that it's beyond my powers to save.

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Sorry to derail the writeup train, but I'd like to point out something odd that I've noticed. In early episodes of South Park, there was a joke where one of the kids would say something disparaging about the bus driver, she'd shout, "WHAT DID YOU SAY?" and they'd respond with some innocuous non-sequitur that sounds like the thing they said. I have seen versions of this joke appear in at LEAST five DMODs so far, and that estimate is probably low. It was used in Castle of Lore, Pointless, Prophecy of the Ancients, I'm pretty sure it was in something by redink1, and it was in more than one other minor DMOD. I know that South Park was hugely popular at the time, but it seems bizarre to me that one particular joke would show up so often. Did it get to the point where DMOD authors were actually copying the joke off one another? I guess we'll never know.

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042: Zoltron (Demo) Authors: Paul "Paco" Zielinski, Thomas "Instalite" Austin Release Date: August 18, 1999

The full title of this DMOD is "The Preview of the Demo of the Beta of the Shareware Version of Zoltron: Protector of the Galaxy Cluster - The Game." On top of that, the author calls the mod "crappy" in its dmod.diz and stresses that it exists to show off the main character, who is named Rick. Well, all right then. I appreciate forthrightness, and that title is slightly amusing.

As a mod, this is definitely an incomprehensible mess. There really isn't anything proper to do, although you can head into a mafia-run bar and start trouble, which is good for a lark. The only character who presents you with any kind of task (one that I don't believe you can complete) is a girl you might not ever notice you can converse with, because talking to her fails to freeze you. There is a genuinely funny Leisure Suit Larry type joke where you can try to ask her out, she makes incredibly lame excuses ("I have to take out my pet... uh, my pet pillbug") and the protagonist still takes this as a sign that she likes him. Hey, at least it's not another "WHAT DID YOU SAY" joke!

There's not much gameplay here, but in case you're worried that something might somehow challenge you, that's taken care of.

Since this is supposed to be a showcase for the main character, let's have a look at him. Ah, MSPaint. You know, although the art quality clearly isn't up to the level where it'd look good in a Dink game, I don't think this guy and his energy punch would look terrible in an "MS Paint" sort of adventure. The art quality here is a lot higher than "Bloop the Fish," at least (did you make these, Instalite? Nice improvement!). Unfortunately, it looks even worse in motion. Rick stutters around badly as he walks, it's hard to tell where his hitbox is, and punching makes him teleport a few feet backward while his hitbox and range remain where they were. I think the robot enemies have a sort of charm, though.

I wouldn't blame you for thinking this DMOD can't be beaten, but it can. There's a room you can enter (though it's difficult to find exactly where the warp point for the door is) that has a stairway leading down. This takes you to the most linear cave dungeon of all time, where you're told "you cant get out." This is a lie, actually. If you go far enough, you can reach a demo-beating machine. No, really. Well, that's convenient.

When you win, Rick spends a good solid minute telling you how awesome the full version will be and all the great features it'll have. This never came to pass, obviously, and I think this little demo is among the least-known DMODs that are still easily available. (Others, like the Spawn DMOD, have been "lost.") I guess it's just as well, because wouldn't everybody have expected it to be a Voltron parody? I know I did.

043: Island of the Giants Author: Ethan Release Date: October 2, 1999

I'm kind of surprised that the author of "The Slimes" stuck with it, but good for him. This is certainly a more substantial effort, with 160 screens. I've noticed that people tend to associate larger DMODs with higher quality. Here's an example of that not really being the case.

I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a lot better than "Slimes" by virtue of having an actual story and quest, and by not being so broken. There are still some big bugs, though - for example, if you talk to the farmer and select "leave" near the start, the game hangs. If you talk to the farmer before talking to the wizard, this is the only option you're given. Also, hardness is still treated as a quaint myth. No, seriously.

As for the size, I'm afraid that it's easy to make a DMOD big when you copy and paste a lot. There's not much decoration going on here, although there are plenty of enemies about. The second town is big but looks utterly desolate, which I'm sure is unintentional. The worst bit is the cave before the final boss - it's huge and there isn't a single feature in it. It's just a big box of cave with some Stone Giants you don't have to fight in it. When things don't look bland, they look weird as hell.

Something really glaring about this DMOD is that there's no music in it at all. This isn't the first DMOD to lack music, but it's by far the largest so far, and it makes the whole experience feel disturbingly incomplete.

Right near the start, this game heaps absurd amounts of gold on you, just tons of it. And then it does this. I laughed out loud when I saw this. I was pounding the table. Yes, this DMOD gives you over 13k gold and then lets you raise any stat for 500 gold a point as much as you want. You can also buy a clawsword and the hellfire spell nearby. I admit, it was kind of fun watching the boncas melt away at the touch of my blade like they were made out of putty. There were also very short little sidequests to do that drenched you in EXP - one near the start that just involved talking to two guys about six times sent me from level 2 to level 5 in one shot.

The plot is that you've got to stop a settlement of stone giants from making raids on the nearby towns. You have to get between the three locations, by the way, using notes of permission that teleport you behind the walls. This happens three times! Surprisingly, there's a bit of a twist: when you get to the stone giant town, they turn out to be an incredibly polite and friendly bunch. Hell, one of them hands you 100 gold every single time you talk to him. It's only an evil, underground bunch of stone giants doing the raids. Hey, it's a change of pace!

One thing in "Island of the Giants" really impressed me - there's a boss with the ability to turn invisible during the fight. This is a clever idea, and it actually made the battle quite difficult, as the boss had insanely high touch damage. Even with my crazy stats, it took me three tries to win. The last boss is a weird-looking Seth clone that's difficult mostly because it's hard to tell where its hardbox is. Both bosses share the problem of lacking screen lock.

Yep, this was an odd one. I played it with a smirk on my face, more because everything felt so out of place than because anything was particularly funny. If you don't mind mediocrity, you might have fun experiencing the strange ideas here.

044: Goblin Trouble Author: Killerbee Release Date: October 7, 1999

I am calling it now: the trophy for "weirdest DMOD" goes to this one, at least until they had that contest where being weird was the objective. Here, get a load of the title screen; it depicts nothing in the DMOD itself, but it does inform us that the full title is "Dink's Second Big Adventure, Also Called the Goblin Trouble: The first D-Mod of Killerbee, Part 1."

I would like to start by reviewing the author's description.

"Dinks second BIG adventure (GOBLIN TROUBLE) has lots of things to do, I scripted almost everything. Try to talk to everything. Most of the times it will turn out to be a complete waste of time, but it's pretty funny."

Let's evaluate the veracity of each thing stated or implied here.

1) "Second" - Then what's first? The original game? I have no idea.
2) "Big" - A baldfaced lie. This DMOD couldn't possibly take you twenty minutes. It can be finished in under one.
3) "Goblin Trouble" - there's some trouble allegedly caused by goblins, but it isn't possible to encounter any.
4) Lots of things to do - nope.
5) "I scripted almost everything" - This one is true. This crazy little thing contains 69 scripts.
6) "...complete waste of time" - Two truths in a row!
7) "but it's pretty funny." - Now for the twist: it really is.

As a DMOD, this is a broken, bizarre little wreck, but I prefer to think of it as an elaborate joke in the form of a video game module. I found it very amusing indeed, and I wholeheartedly recommend that you download "Goblin Trouble." This is not a joke; I'm being sincere. You might want to read the rest of what I have to say first, though.

There's no combat here, no variables, not really anything to properly do. However, everything will talk to you, from corpses to pillbugs. No matter how much something looks like scenery or background, you should examine it. Most things will insult you, and several of them will kill you. One thing that won't result in your death is asking the pillbug on the first screen, "Will you please kill me?" This turns out to be the password to enter the Secret Order of Pillbugs. Go figure.

I feel like I've fallen through Alice's rabbit hole here. Some will feel that the humor is forced, but I found its surreality to be striking and effective. The whole thing feels like an absurdist joke, mocking the entire concept of a DMOD; even the mod's extreme brokenness feels like part of the design to me.

Oh, boy, is it broken, though. A few screens in, a girl who is supposed to tell you what to do doesn't have her script attached properly, so you'll probably blunder into a warp to map 0, which obviously doesn't exist. Whenever a DMOD warps you to a map that doesn't exist, you end up in a copy of the first screen. If you can manage to move to the right from there, you'll reach screen 1 - actually, it would be possible to intentionally use this behavior as part of your DMOD's design.

Anyway, by a fantastic stroke of luck, screen 1 is the final screen. I got into it through a hardness error and reached the ending. This is the only way I found to win, because when I followed the instructions that the girl is supposed to give, I reached a screen shortly afterward that crashed the DMOD every single time.

It's difficult for me to explain why I like this one, and I expect to be challenged on it, but it's an opinion I feel strongly about. I feel like this one needs to exist, as if a funhouse mirror held up to all the others to remind us not to take them too seriously. You might mention "The Quest for Cheese," but even that mod gives you a purpose to accomplish and at least takes it seriously enough that you can satisfactorily "win." By contrast, nothing in "Goblin Trouble" has a purpose.

In this DMOD, Dink is an ineffectual, useless wimp whose intelligence is constantly insulted, but the truth is that all of the other "characters" also seem to regard their lives as a waste of time. One dying man uses his last breath to play a prank on Dink, who is furious that he can't get back at the man because he's dead - I am sorry, but this is hilarious.

By wandering around the hardness errors and looking in the map editor, I found that there was a lot of stuff here mapped out but not used, which is a shame. I would have loved to see what plans Killerbee had, for example, for the screen with the fake screenlock bars on it.

It's possible that the reason that I liked this one is that I perceived it as a send-up of DMODs, and 44 of them in, I'm already a little burned out on this. Fear not - though it might slow down in the future, I will persevere.